About the Author

  i'M JUST YOU--oh, wait, damn capslock.  Anyways, where were we? Ah, yes, the shit that nobody other than total stalkers reads (Hi Jeb!). I'm just your average self-published dark fantasy author, an average Joe who you could theoretically share a beer with, and who theoretically has no more than three dead nurses in the trunk of his '77 Pinto as you read this. 
  There's nothing much to say about the writing life, or me... I mean, not that I haven't lived an exciting and fulfilling life full of thrills and adventure --all those photos of me down at the post office confirm that-- it's just that it's been WEEKS since I banged a major celebrity, and I've found out the hard way that unless a sex tape of you and Bea Arthur "somehow" surfaces, readers just don't give a rat's ass about your personal life.
  Which is too bad, because your mothers all told me some pretty interesting stuff about every single one of you last night.
  That said, here's my story: I'm currently x years old, living large in [INSERT CITY HERE], with my beautiful [INSERT SPOUSE], and two adoring and adventurous kids, [HIPSTER BOY NAME] and [HIPSTER GIRL NAME], without whom I would never have [INSERT SEX CRIME]  all those innocent people in that tire fire I started in [CITY YOU GREW UP IN].
  You could say I was "drawn" to writing, the same way a fly is drawn to a pile of shit. Not just the regular shit, either: the really rancid, multi-colored, shiny-on-one-side-but-not-the-other, war crime kind of shit. You know the one. Probably the same shit you're taking right now, reading this on your smart phone on the toilet, just moments away from a truly orgasmic dump. No need to thank me; just take a picture when you're done, and send it to a random family member, with the caption "FINDERS KEEPERS" scrawled in crayon.
  Welp, I think that just about sums up me. If I think of anything else to say, I'll be sure to slap it in here the next time I update this page in ten years. Now if you excuse me, I have to go update my MySpace page with some nu-metal bands I really like.